The unhappy summer tale of a brief summer pants

July 8, 2017 - Hiking Pants

I’m not crazy about summer photos of myself, though there are dual we can live with. In a first, taken in 1983, we am fibbing on a beach in Puerto Rico. I’m wearing a black Speedo, import 140 pounds and have a 29-inch waist. (And a full conduct of hair.)

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Should we make it to Heaven, this is how we wish to demeanour for eternity.

In a other photo, taken dual years ago in my brother’s backyard, we am station subsequent to my niece Talia, dual hours before her prom. She is wearing a pinkish dress that cost some-more than my final car. we am wearing a black t-shirt, a black convene top and a span of tan shorts.

And by shorts, we meant those pants that come down roughly to your ankles.


I grew adult as an Italian child in an Italian area where group never wore shorts, unless they were sitting in their yards. Mind you, shorts were shorter in those days. And they were not quite graceful to hairy legs with knobby knees.

Who wanted to travel around that way?

As a teenager, we had knobby knees and clean-shaven legs. Even worse. we hated wearing shorts. Still do. But, some-more on that later.

About 15 years ago, my sister-in-law gave me a basket of “fun things” for Father’s Day. (I’m Talia’s godfather, as good as her uncle.) These things enclosed a book, a CD, a bottle of salsa, a few other things and a span of black brief pants.


In a days that followed, we review a book, listened to a CD and ate a salsa. The shorts got thrown in my closet, to be seen nevermore.

Well, almost.


Weeks later, we perceived an invitation from a co-worker for a pool celebration during her home in Hackensack.

The invitation pronounced “Dress: Luau.”

I looked by my endless habit and found no luau-wear to pronounce of. Bloomingdales had a Hawaiian shirt for $79, though that seemed a small steep.

I like pools, though we don’t like going into them. So we motionless I’d wear jeans and a t-shirt to a celebration and leave it during that.

Well, until a day of a party, when we realized, “I have brief pants!”

I tore by my closet and found a shorts in a back, somewhere. we plucked them out, dusted them off and attempted them on.

Did we like a approach we looked? No. But we didn’t wish to lay by a pool in jeans all day.

The subsequent thing we knew, we was withdrawal a residence — In my brief pants! — and walking to my car. Neighbors waved during me — In my brief pants! — and we sheepishly waved back.

“Short pants!” they yelled.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

I stopped during a wine store — in my brief pants! — picked adult a bottle to move to a celebration and headed for Hackensack.

There weren’t any choice parking spots on my coworker’s block, so we parked about 10 houses divided and walked — in my brief pants! — to her place.

When we arrived, everybody was excited. “It’s Bill! In brief pants!”

My crony Ginny forked to a trademark on a right leg. “Ooh! Polo by Ralph Lauren,” she said.

“Yeah, whatever,” we grumbled.

About 10 mins later, Ginny rushed over and said, “Bob from a art dialect pronounced we have your shorts on inside out. See how hairy a trademark is?”

My face reddened.

“And we have them on backwards,” she said. “The fly is in a back.”

Fly? we didn’t even see a fly.

Embarrassed, we ran into a house, incited my shorts around and inside out and put them behind on. Then we took a low exhale and went behind outside.

Hey, these things happen, right?

I spent a rest of a afternoon walking around a pool — In my brief pants! — before hiking behind to my car, 10 houses away. (In my brief pants!)

All in all, an burdensome day.

A week later, we saw my sister-in-law again and told her, “Remember those black brief pants we gave me? we wore them to a celebration final weekend.”

Joyce, who apparently expected a stupid story, was already laughing.

“Well,” we continued, “I was wearing them inside out!”

“Oh my God!” Joyce squealed. And she was laughing. And laughing.

“Wait a second,” we said, “it gets better! we also had them on backwards!”

And she was laughing. And laughing.

“I ran inside, incited them around. we had ragged them that approach when we left a house, when we went to a wine store, when I…”

By this indicate Joyce was shouting uncontrollably and slapping her knee.

“Actually,” we said, “it’s not THAT funny.”

She eventually managed to get reason of herself and said, “Bill, those were underwear.”



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